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Just a little update.

Yesterday I went to the Rathayatra in Harrisburg, PA, with my son Caitanya, and it was my first time in kirtan with devotees since three years ago.  It was a good time, and I was able to connect a little with a few devotees.  Later, at night my legs were sore from dancing. 

Also, I’ve been keeping up with sixteen rounds a day again since more than two weeks ago. 

It’s a little bizarre after having thought I would never do this again.  Imagine trying to serve Krishna for fifteen years but feeling oneself a failure, rejected.  So I quit, thinking Krishna either won’t accept me or was an hallucination or dream. 

Asking anyone, I think I could find a lot more agreement with the latter than with the first there.  I therefore tried to forget Krishna, and went and became part of the atheist community.  I began following the big atheist speakers and identifying with what they were saying.  I remember finding videos of Christopher Hitchens arguing anti-religion, listening to them for several hours one day and thinking he was really great. The next days news indicated he died that day, perhaps while I was watching, and it made me think of Krishna.  I noticed the atheist community argued against the Abrahamic religions but apparently didn’t know Bhagavad-gita As It Is.  So I thought I should present it to them.  I don’t know if I convinced anyone else to try it, I guess not, but I convinced myself. 

Unfortunately it seems to mean that despite giving what I felt was my best effort to serve Krishna for fifteen years, He was not impressed and let me leave His service to commit spiritual suicide, eventually rescuing me a little but somehow still leaving me too captivated by Maya, with a material conception of life, as if Krishna consciousness were some kind of chore that I am unfit to accomplish. 

8 comments to Just a little update.

  • Sridhar

    I just came to this post when i was searching to read more about harinam. I have been worshipping for around 18 years

    //He was not impressed and let me leave His service to commit spiritual suicide, eventually rescuing me a little but somehow still leaving me too captivated by Maya, with a material conception of life, as if Krishna consciousness were some kind of chore that I am unfit to accomplish. //

    Let me try my best to answer to this point.
    Doubt is a sign of intelligence. God works through our mind in very subtle ways. Krishna is in control
    of everything and that includes one’s mind as well.

    Gaudiya vaishnavism (GV in short) as you had rightly mentioned isnt like abrahamic religions or its practice. It is
    solidly based on vedanta.

    Hence GV doesnt find doubt to be an expression of anti religion.

    The whole point of chanting is to get oneself close to Krishna and that is essential part of GV. harinam and such sadhana are thus essential. However we should not understand that purpose of chanting
    is chanting itself. It isnt.

    Purpose of chanting is to reach god. And learning atheistic literature and understand it and come back
    to god is also part of that. God is one planting the doubts. Krishna is the one who is removing those
    doubts.

    So, there is no need to feel guilty. As I said above doubt is a sign of intelligence. Clarify that and move on. It is Krishna operating through everyone and everything. So be guilt-free. And enjoy chanting.

  • Sridhar

    The only thing that matters is what one feels internally. If one has doubts, it is paramount for that person to read whatever it is necessary to clarify that. Everything in this world is Krishna’s.

    and that includes science and “atheistic” literature as well. Krishna will help with whatever one needs to clarify one’s doubts. Paramatma is the one guiding you. Live peacefully with that understanding.

    you are destined to go through this according to Krishna’s will. And nothing can happen in this world against his will.

  • sevananda

    pandu, hare krishna! Did you used to live or visit new vrindaban in the 90′s? You look very familiar. If you are who i think you are, i remember you being a very friendly, down to earth nice devotee. My name might have been bhakta steve back then. I took initiation from Radhanath Swami in ’95 and lived under nityo dita swami in the old vrindaban bramachari ashram in the early 90′s. My ex-wife’s name was chintamani/bhaktin charlene. Does any of this ring a bell? your servant, sevananda das

  • John Doe

    Sadhu dasa, a very advanced Prabhupada disciple from South America, was attacked in Mayapur by local devotees and is in very critical condition in a Kolkata hospital.

    Sadhu dasa was a very outspoken critic of the guru system in ISKCON and also a supporter of ISKCON Bangalore.

    How many more devotees have to be murdered before you bogus guru worshippers will WAKE UP and stop supporting the corrupt bogus guru cult?

    http://krishna1008.blogspot.com/2013/09/mayapura-not-very-safe-for-devotees.html

    Radhanath Swami helped murdered Sulocana dasa in the mid 1980s because Sulocana was speaking out against the bogus gurus and their crimes such as child molestation. And yet Radhanath is worshipped as one of the best and most advanced “gurus” today in ISKCON.

    When are you fools going to wake up and reject these criminals who are posing themselves as gurus?

    http://www.iskcontimes.com/radhanath-swami-helped-murder-sulochana-dasa

  • jane doe

    my brother john who just posted is a idiot, dont mind him folks. The ritvik theory has been proven bhogus. I cant believe people still fall for that. Prabupada said he wanted all his disiples to become gurus and initiate disciples all of the world. He said the only qualification for becoming guru is to simply preach the words of the previous guru. At a certain point on his death bed, prabhupada stated that he is no longer “accepting” disciples. And also stated that the disciples of bis disciples would be his “grand-disciples”. He never said to go against all gaudiya traditions and become like the christian system. No gaudiya line accepts the theory that you can take diksa from a guru that is not physically present. It is a complete concoction that was invented by taking on statement out of context. There are so many other statements where prabhupada told that. He wanted his disciples. to take on their own disciples in the future. Hey, if we dont need a living guru, then maybe i will choose bhaktivode as my guru. His vani is present in his books as well. Or maybe i will chose to take krishna as my direct guru, it’d be kinda cool to be considered lord bramha’s direct godbrother. It is not just matter of saying i accept prabhupada as my guru…how do you know he accepts you as his disciple? I may say i want to accept a beautiful movie star as my wife. I can say that, but if she doesnt directly physically yes i will marry you…then the whole thing is nothing more than a bhogus fantasy. If you ritviks spend as much time preaching as you do criticizing and fault finding, then there would be thousands of new devotees in prabhupada’ s movement. You cam criticize the current gurus all you want, buty question to you is…how many people have you inspired to give up their current way of life and become devotees of krishna? Huh, mr johm doe? So, put up or shut up.

  • Pandu das

    Hare Krishna. I am sorry for my neglect, but I’ve been a little busy.

    Sevananda prabhu,
    Hare Krishna. Yes, I believe I remember you. I lived at New Vrindavana with my wife and our baby from summer 1997 through spring 1998. My memory tends to be spotty, but I think I helped removed old insulation from under your trailer. It’s very nice to hear from you again. I hope all is well with you. Where are you living now? Hare Krishna.

    John Doe,
    Hare Krishna. I skimmed your links, but I’m not Yamaraja, nor am I the police. I don’t have inside information to verify these issues you bring. I just want to associate with devotees who can encourage and inspire me in Krishna consciousness, and prefer to avoid the politics to the extent I am able. Is that Ok with you? Thanks. Hare Krishna.

    Jane Doe,
    Presently I’m neither with or against the rtvik movement. I have a “living guru,” but he doesn’t feel much like it. I’m just trying to make whatever progress in Krishna consciousness that I can. A version of the rtvik view makes sense to me, and I think would benefit, but I don’t want to oppose the GBC or get into criticizing devotees. To me the essential point of the rtvik view is not that modern devotees cannot become guru (I think they can), but that Srila Prabhupada remains capable initiate devotees via the rtvik system he instituted and never ordered dismantled. I only wish the GBC would permit it, but it’s not my decision to make. If you think Srila Prabhupada wanted to quit accepting disciples despite having instituted a system enabling it indefinitely, please cite Srila Prabhupada ever saying he would ever stop accepting disciples, or something to that effect. Thank you. Hare Krishna.

  • Pandu das

    Sridar prabhu,

    Thank you for your encouraging remarks. I’m sorry I didn’t respond immediately when I saw it, but your message was received and felt very nice. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me. Hare Krishna.

  • John Doe

    http://krishna1008.blogspot.com/2013/09/sadhu-das-recovering-from-knife-attack.html

    THIS is the result of your bogus guru program, Jane Doe. Devotees lying dead and bloodied, or lying in hospital beds, in very critical condition, dying from the knife attacks from the followers of the demoniac monsters like Jayapataka.

    The local bengali villagers in Mayapur are very, very corrupt and evil people. Why then does Jayapataka initiate them? To use as his own personal mafia? It sure seems that way.

    Will Jayapataka condemn his demoniac disciple Mahabandhu dasa for attacking and nearly killing a pre-1977 Prabhupada disciple? Nope. Jayapataka could care less. He is a demon. I just wish he would hurry up and die and go back to the hell which he crawled out from.

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