Yesterday I went to the Rathayatra in Harrisburg, PA, with my son Caitanya, and it was my first time in kirtan with devotees since three years ago. It was a good time, and I was able to connect a little with a few devotees. Later, at night my legs were sore from dancing.
Also, I’ve been keeping up with sixteen rounds a day again since more than two weeks ago.
It’s a little bizarre after having thought I would never do this again. Imagine trying to serve Krishna for fifteen years but feeling oneself a failure, rejected. So I quit, thinking Krishna either won’t accept me or was an hallucination or dream.
Asking anyone, I think I could find a lot more agreement with the latter than with the first there. I therefore tried to forget Krishna, and went and became part of the atheist community. I began following the big atheist speakers and identifying with what they were saying. I remember finding videos of Christopher Hitchens arguing anti-religion, listening to them for several hours one day and thinking he was really great. The next days news indicated he died that day, perhaps while I was watching, and it made me think of Krishna. I noticed the atheist community argued against the Abrahamic religions but apparently didn’t know Bhagavad-gita As It Is. So I thought I should present it to them. I don’t know if I convinced anyone else to try it, I guess not, but I convinced myself.
Unfortunately it seems to mean that despite giving what I felt was my best effort to serve Krishna for fifteen years, He was not impressed and let me leave His service to commit spiritual suicide, eventually rescuing me a little but somehow still leaving me too captivated by Maya, with a material conception of life, as if Krishna consciousness were some kind of chore that I am unfit to accomplish.