I never suspected I would feel this way, now after fifteen years of doing my best and trying really hard to live for pleasing Srila Prabhupada by participating in and promoting his movement. I was greatly inspired by a vision of Krsna that originally caused me to seek out devotees as purported to exist in the Bhagavad-gita As It Is that I bought used from a new-age bookstore I happened into while getting ready to go hide in a forest to mediate to the end.
I accepted this vision with enough faith to keep a clean shaved head with conspicuous sikha and tilak for several years, chanting about 55,000 rounds, growing and worshipping Tulasi at my home for ten years, but after so much effort I have given, the apparent nonexistence of Krsna frustrates my urge to rapidly and forcefully punch His lotus face. I could gripe and cite a seemingly endless narration of corruption and abuse, but my perspective is just one of many already out there. I suspect that it could be fun to do some choice search engine counts, but not right now. Right now the kindest thing I can think of to day is that He probably doesn’t exist except as formed in each mind infected with this painful thought-virus. Either that or I cannot understand Krsna’s cruelty that has me finding the opposite of the love I exhaustively tried to grow for Him.